BENEATH OUR FUR

lies our more primitive roots in survival and propagation..
denial of the urges of ancient needs and the sublimation
of conscious awareness will thwart even the most gentle soul's
benevolent gestures and polite manners....

SEPARATING THE WHEAT FROM THE SHAFT

FROM THE AGE OF 6 OR 7 I WAS A DANCER.......TAP AND BALLROOM WERE JUST FINE....AND I ENVISIONED MYSELF AS HAVING SOME TALENT........THEN, THERE WAS DONALD O'CONNOR, GENE KELLY AND FRED ASTAIRE......I WANTED TO DANCE LIKE THEM, ALTHOUGH THE SUMMIT OF MY CAREER ARRIVED IN A PERFORMANCE OF HAZEL ROBINSON'S 'FOOTLIGHT VANITIES', IN SECOND GRADE, IN THE WEST CLINTON ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AUDITORIUM.......
..........LATER......I DISCOVERED BALLET! NOT ONLY WAS BALLET A LOT OF WORK, BUT IT ALSO REQUIRED A BODY TYPE THAT I DID NOT POSSESS.....ONE THAT COULD REALLY STRETCH AND ONE THAT COULD ENDURE PAIN AND SUFFERING...I WAS OUTTA THERE.....ALTHOUGH I DID TAKE BALLET CLASSES IN MY EARLY 20'S...FROM JON VON ERB AND IRIS HENSLEY, I KNEW, EVEN THEN, THAT THERE WAS NO FUTURE IN THAT DISCIPLINE, FOR ME....ANYWAY...........I LOOK AT THIS PICTURE AND THINK "HOW GREAT THAT STRETCH MUST FEEL!".

THE VIEW FROM THE TENNIS COURTS

IN THE AFTERNOONS I PLAYED TENNIS WITH VICTOR.......BEHIND THE COURTS, THE GLADIATORS ALTERNATELY STRUGGLED AT PUSHING ONE ANOTHER AWAY, GRASPING AND REMOVING OVOID BALLS FROM BETWEEN ONE ANOTHER'S LEGS, PATTING ONE ANOTHER'S BUTTOCKS AND PRACTICING SEXIST BANTERING AMONGST THEMSELVES.........IT WAS LIKE OBSERVING ALIEN LIFEFORMS.....THE CATS WATCHING THE DOGS.....YET...THERE WAS MORE TO IT, WASN'T THERE?

DIETER

FROM THIRD GRADE, I HAD A GOOD FRIEND WHO WAS SO ATYPICAL A COMPANION......A QUARTERBACK, ALTHOUGH A SMART ONE! HE WAS ALWAYS READY TO BACK UP HIS ECCENTRIC AND ARTSY BEST FRIEND......I THINK HE REALLY LOVED ME.....ODDLY ENOUGH, ALTHOUGH EVERYONE VIEWED HIM AS CASANOVA, I WAS NEVER REALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM......MAYBE THAT WAS PART OF MY APPEAL TO HIM.....AND SINCE I ALWAYS HAD SMARTER AND MORE BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIENDS.....HE FREQUENTLY JOKED ABOUT "SWAPPING DATES". I WONDERED WHAT HE REALLY MEANT........

THE RELATIVITY OF DESIRES

IN HIGH SCHOOL, I HAD A REALLY HOT, BLONDE GIRLFRIEND.......ALL THE MORE MASCULINE FELLOWS WANTED HER......REAL BAD! ALAS, FOR THEM, SHE ONLY HAD EYES FOR ME.......I COULD PLAY THE PIANO AND DANCE THE TANGO AND MAMBO, WAS COMFORTABLE AT COTILLIONS AND FORMAL EVENTS.....IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ANY OF THESE JOCKS THAT SOMEONE LIKE ME WOULD ATTRACT WHAT THEY HAD OBJECTIFIED BY DESIRE...

THE FATAL WOUND AT THE CHICANE AFTER THE THOROUGHFARE

my heel is either uncertainty or neglect, both of which have preoccupied my thinking lately.....my head has been filled with the first by the conscious efforts of those whom i loved, but from whom i have been distanced by neglect...i have no cards up my sleeves.....perhaps that is the problem....for i see cards on the floor...they are not mine...yet no one lays claim to them...now, we are no longer playing with a full deck.....i feel both that i understand and that i have not a clue...the games people play! to gamble all for nothing.....it must all be about Pride....yes, I think that must be what it's all about......I thought we all knew where that leads the spirit....

Who was the Mysterious neighbor?

It was 1964, and i was still a teen-ager in Rocket City, USA.......I watched our neighbor, Werner, doing his morning walk past our house on Big Cove Road......After my freshman year at Vandy, i got a job in Building 4200 and was given a NASA "Secret" security clearance so that i could deliver documents to him.......many of my friends' fathers worked on projects that were beginning to emerge into sights of "regular" people........When i asked him, years before this, what he did, he showed me a model of a white space station that he had designed with his friend Willy Ley......later, i saw a fancy version of it in "2001, A Space Odyssey"....I thought NASA was the good guy and ABMA was the bad guy......what a whore i was, however; for the next summer i punched Spam cards for an ABMA War Games Computer.......the job paid 50% more........!

homoerotic impulse control - - - that Sir Robin of Locksley!

i remember, so well, going with my grandmother....to see "It came from outer space" and "House of Wax".....in 3-D......and cringing, close to her.....and even....watching "Invaders from Mars".......getting beneath the steel seat at the Grand Theater.......i remember, also........keeping my eyes fixed on Errol Flynn, unblinking.....I was in love with "Robin Hood".......he looked better in that little green cap than Scarlett, in her green drapery knock-off! Even today, Romeo Gigli shoes evoke such memories........

THE GAMBLING CYNIC

I PLACED HALF A DOZEN BETS.....EACH FOR $1000.......IF I LOST THE BET......I WOULD BE HAPPIER......SEEMS ODD, DOESN'T IT......BUT I PLACED BETS THAT I WOULD NOT LIKELY LOSE...I BET AGAINST OTHER'S DOING THE "RIGHT THING" EVEN THOUGH IT WAS INCONVENIENT, WOULD MAKE THEM LOOK BAD IN THE PUBLIC "EYE", OR WOULD CONTRADICT THEIR USUAL PRE-OCCUPATION WITH THEIR OWN WANTS AND DESIRES.........THE 10 DAY PERIOD IS COMPLETE.......I RIPPED UP THE CHECKS, EACH WRITTEN BEFORE WITNESSES; EACH TO A SEPARATE PERSON........IT WOULD HAVE MADE ME MUCH MORE HOPEFUL, HAD I LOST.......MAYBE I DID LOSE!

RESPONSE TO INSISTENT PRODDING

After not having communicated in what, for us, was a long time, i felt hopeful when you called; regrettably, i felt the anger and resentment in your voice, and was saddened by the fact that, even after time for completive and introspective meditation, the terminus for our conversation would be the same ugly place as when last we conversed at any depth.....it is my compliance that is the issue, isn't it? You can believe whatever you like...whatever gives you comfort.....I am not the pagan jungle savage that impales the heads of missionaries, but an irreligious man who is annoyed by constant proselytizing. Having been an atheist since i developed enough grey matter to think deterministically about Life, it has taken me some practice at shirting the sensitivities of "Believers" and treading upon burning coals when expressing any negation of what appears to me to be absurd and irrational dogmas which i consider and expect, with hopeful condescension, will diminish and achieve, in time, the evanescence of transitory delusion; nevertheless, the fortified bulwarks of those seeking Higher Reward are constantly forced into my perspective of clarity with the other motes of unbelievability and patronizing Polonial condescensions, by which, i am only annoyed, that I must take the passive posture of being fucked by those whose dicks are up their own asses, but for whom i must express respect and intellectual subservience to remain in good favor.....my fate may await me, but only in This life..... Dr. Dawkin has my support, but my advice to that rottweiler, and any other preacher, is to get on with his life.....there are just too many of the Righteous to do battle with....and they are equipped, by their ignorance and blind faith, to really hurt those who refuse to conform or comply with the conventions of posthumous regalia and unconscious awakeness.....i believe that the healthiest souls are those unfettered by expectations which extend beyond the decay of their own flesh........: "I am the master of My Fate, and I am the captain of my Soul......" (William Ernest Henley); i believe in what can be demonstrated........but in the God of Moses.....i think not....and arrogantly so...in my youth....and indifferently, even, in my years declining toward their end......"how sad that you have not found.....this or that.....or", some say........Perhaps i just pursue the Truth......as it is not shrouded in mystery, nor has it delivered any promises carved on the stones of memory or calling for my attention, for, like God, it is but a Concept to which i aspire.

A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE

we are often too quick to judge what we perceive through the constructs that we have established to determine its meaning....some hear a knock at the door....late at night....and ascertain that it must be a prowler......others, that it may be a friend in distress......how we perceive what we "see" determines our reality......