WHEN I WAS 40, I OFTEN WONDERED WHAT MY IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER, WHO DIED IN INFANCY, WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE....AND WHAT HIS PERSONALITY WOULD BE LIKE, WERE HE ALIVE AND WELL.........

 

My mother, vacationing with my father and me....in New Mexico....in the 1960's.....Almost a teetotaler, she's getting a bit rambunctious, with a Margarita, imbibed with a straw, of course....not one to leave a lipstick mark on her glass....

    or, was she just going under that 'salt lick' with that straw; and would have preferred a frozen daiquiri? 

THE PLAGUE OF SQUAMOUS CELL CARCINOMA......

The Dermatologist informed me that this ugly 'thing' on my cheek, below my right eye....was, likely, a result of childhood exposure to ultraviolet rays....probably, during 'summer camp days',when I was 10-13....This crusty, inflamed mess of cellular material has been removed...twice.....with chemicals and with laser....but persists in 'returning'.......I've 'painted' it with Wart Remover creams, picked at it with tweezers and surgical sizzors.....even camouflaged it with a circular bandaid.....not eager to shell out another $1200 for ten minutes of the dermatologist's professional time.......again!      

each replication produces Prop 'changes'......countless repetition is 'evolution'......a trillion cell divisions produce nothing, apparently, the 'same'.....thus, the one-celled 'thing' with little organized genetic material...eventually, manifesting the complex, not quite random, organization of elemental electrical charges that we perceive as Matter.....

AWAKENING AT THE 'REGULAR' 5AM, HALF A DECADE AGO, I JOURNEYED DOWNSTAIRS TO MY ALMOST INCOMPREHENSIBLY CONGESTED KITCHEN, WITH THE INTENTION OF PREPARING THE 20-STAGE B'FAST THAT I HAD JUST DREAMT OF......NOTICING ALL THE DETAILS OF THE MORNING 'ROUTINE'......THIS SEEMED TO BE A LOOPING OF MOST, OTHER, MORNINGS......THE GRINDING OF COFFEE BEANS; THE LIGHTING OF CANDLES IN THE DARKENED ARENA; THE ORGANIZING OF INGREDIENTS; WARMING OF SKILLETS; THE PREPARATION OF MERLIN'S B'FAST....AND HIS ROUTINE RUN THROUGH THE KITCHEN.....CHECKING HIS FOOD/WATER BOWLS, ON HIS WAY....BEFORE DASHING TO THE LITTER BOX FOR HIS MORNING 'DUTY'.......SUDDENLY, I WAS ANNOYINGLY AWARE OF THE EXACT REPLICATION OF THIS ROUTINE AND, AFTER PREPARING A MUG OF CAPPUCCINO AND RIPPING OPEN A 'SUSTAINABLE ENERGY' CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER CLIF BAR, RATHER THAN TOIL TO PRODUCE AN ELABORATE B'FAST.....STILL 2 HOURS BEFORE SUNRISE.....DESISTED, AND SAT IN A CHAIR.....CAT ON LAP, DOING HIS 'ROUTINE' FUR LICKING/GROOMING, & 'CAT LITTER-BETWEEN-HIS-TOES' CLEANING, BEFORE FALLING ASLEEP, ACROSS MY LAP....WHILE I CONTEMPLATED ALL THE 'THINGS I OUGHT TO DO, BUT USUALLY DON'T'.......AN EVERY MORNING 'REGULAR' SEQUENCING......I WANTED TO BREAK THIS ROUTINE BY CHANGING ALL OF THIS UP! HOWEVER, EVEN THE THOUGHT OF THIS PRODUCED A HIGH LEVEL OF ANXIETY...EXASPERATED BY THE MORNING 200MG CAFFEINE 'FIX'.....THE SUGARY WHIPPED CREAM FOAM AND A 100MM BALKAN SOBRANIE SMOKE INHALATION.....SUCH IS THE CHALLENGE OF ANY DEVIATION, BY HUMANS.....OR, LIKELY, JUST ABOUT EVERY CREATURE......AS THE MORNING SUN ROSE....SITTING ON MY BACK PORCH....ANOTHER ROUTINE.....FINISHING A SECOND CUP OF JAVA....ANOTHER ROUTINE....AND SMOKING A MARLBORO RED....FORTUNATELY, NOT A REGULAR...BUT FREQUENT....ROUTINE....I WATCHED SOME LEAVES UNFURLING TO THE MORNING SUNLIGHT, BIRDS AWAKENING TO CHECK OUT THE DRIVEWAY, WHERE I, ROUTINELY, TOSS BIRDSEED, OLD BREAD AND CRUMBS FROM THE TOASTER....AND ON AND ON........LIKE A COMPLICATED CLOCK, MADE OF THOUSANDS OF TINY PARTS....ALL SERVING TO INDICATE THE 'RIGHT TIME', AS THOUGH THERE WERE 'A RIGHT TIME'....CHILLED A BIT BY THE 45F MORNING AIR, I RETURNED TO MY 'ROUTINE MORNING'.....WABE ON THE RADIO, AS I RE-ORGANIZED THE KITCHEN COUNTER TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE DELAYED B'FAST THAT I HAD DREAMED OF MAKING, EARLIER......THEN, I RECONSIDERED ALL OF THIS ORGANIZED RAMBLING THAT WAS REINFORCING BRAIN NEURONS TO 'FIX' THEIR CIRCUITS.....ISN'T THAT WHY ALL THINGS DEVELOP 'ROUTINES'? FRUSTRATED, I RETURNED TO 'UNDER THE COVERS' OF MY WOMB-LIKE BEDDING TO WATCH "5 MILLION YEARS TO EARTH', THE ALAN QUARTERMAINE SCI-FI MOVIE.....WHICH SEEMS....SO APPROPRIATE FOR THIS MORNING......HAVING, ONLY YESTERDAY, EXCAVATED A ANCIENT TRILOBITE THAT WAS, IN ACTUALITY, NOTHING MORE THAN A GLOB OF CONCRETE/MORTAR MIX WITH A WHEEL BARROW IMPRESSION ON IT......ALL OF THIS WORD-RAMBLING IS, OF COURSE, JUST ANOTHER 'ROUTINE' NOTE-TAKING FOR FUTURE ASSIMILATION INTO A LONGER DISCOURSE ON 'DE RERUM NATURA'........AND, NOW, A FEW YEARS LATER, 'THIS' REPEATS ITSELF, SANS CIGARETTES....FINALLY...PERHAPS....ABANDONED, AND LACKING NOW-DECEASED MERLIN'S COMPANIONSHIP.......

Photo from the Manly Era of zippered, striped Beatnik sweaters

I found an old, scratched slide from around 1960, when I was 15, with dark brown dyed hair and a zippered striped sweater.....hardly the 'Fashion'.....Of course, I wouldn't have wanted to be 'in fashion'......or look 'just darling' or 'sweet' or 'cute'......I was 'playing' being a 'Man'.....at that time, boys were always being encouraged to 'be a Man'......I suppose this to be my best effort,,,.....I had 'zero' button-down oxford cloth shirts and 'zero' rep ties and 'zero khaki, cuffless trousers......yes, this was as close as it got in 10th grade!

When asked what TV SERIES' cast consisted of Characters that I would have wanted to be friends with, when I was 25......immediately, QAF came to mind....

            

                Interestingly, the British QUEER AS FOLK Series, which predated the American Series, was even racier, although it's characters were less likeable.....excepting Charlie Hunnam,  perhaps....who set the mold for Randy Harrison's later interpretation.....

alas...when I was 25, the Celluloid Closet was big enough to contain all these characters, behind 'closed doors'........

THE TENDRILS OF TIME.....

awakening from a dream, in which I and many friends.....still alive at that time.... were frolicking in the garden behind my home.....exhausted, from play, we passed out in the grass.....then, I awakened.....over a half century later....and looked in the mirror........all the memories, compressed into my brain's labyrinthine memory circuits, began to unravel in the light of present tense, probably a result of having heard of 2 friends that had stokes, recently, and getting the results of a neurological test that showed octopus-like tendrils wrapping around nerves, binding them to tendons in my fingers......after some psychological adjustments and time-tempering with sudden reality, I'm back in the Now.....tearing up a bit, as Sandy Denny's recording of "Who Knows Where The TIme Goes" plays on the under-counter DVD player.. Well, it surely isn't slowing down for us old folks......At least, I've always been a good Dreamer......If not much of a Sleeper.......