watching parts of old "horror" films from the 40's-60's on the many channels that made them available for halloween,
i began to review my evolving pespectives on fear......as a very young child, i assiduously avoided fearful situations and was terrified of ferris wheels, carousels, even escalator and elevators, all of which made me nausous and provoked vomiting and general malaise.....but later, around age ten, i began an obsession with horror films....my Grandmother would attend the RKO films and rerun MGM 40's films with me....and later the 3-D shockfests, William Castle Shockers and rather scary Film Noir at the Grand Theatre.....I was too young to understand the plots or the characters' motivations, but was able to displace my interiorized fears with exhaustion......the tears always relaxed my hypervigilant persona....at ten, i began to watch Shock Theater on friday nights....always alone.....and i think this pre-occupation with fear and terror must have masked the REAL feelings that i had suppressed......as the mechanisms of repression and suppression grew to monstrous proportions, my real-life persona remained agreeable, even non-chalant and calm.....eventually my disney-like external world was increasingly interrupted by awakenings from terrifying nightmares that i instantly forgot.......eventually, i remembered the dreams.....and began to view Life from a more realistic perspective, from which a more balanced personality eventually evolved.......even now, however, i sometimes awaken from dreams that seem like set pieces from old horror films or psychological films like those of Val Lewton.......but now, i analyze these events with my adult brain......have I again suppressed the frightened child?
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