Aug, 19, 2005....from correspondence: Steven called this afternoon. After drug dosage changes, his heart is beating normally. His heart is so good---I wish it were more perfectly formed. I will see Steven tomorrow, as usual. Maybe some macrobiotic food this weekend with no caffeine, nicotine or quarts of milk or gallons of vanilla iced cream 'here' for him......
I've spoken with Steven a dozen times. He sounds almost Blaise' about his arrhythmia--what stamina to endure days of 150bpm! I would be dead. Hopefully, the body mechanics in Floyd County will, again, make temporizing reparations. Feeling really emotional about all this and the countless other issues about me, I'm trying to avoid tailspin and fragmentation--
if that is possible. Yet, particles of truth shower on my illusions.
addendum: Later, when Steven came by to spend the weekend with me, I mentioned to him that he should, perhaps, give up some of his 'bad habits'....like 'marlboro man' smoking...which he had lied to me about having 'quit'...which he lied to me about having 'lightened up rather than 'lighting up'"' and chain-pot-smoking....and whiskey-drinking. ...He became agitated and angry, returned to his van and drove back to Adairsville......We did not speak again until a few days before his son Branton...then, my godson.....was to leave for England to attend the University of Manchester......... After I agreed to pony up the funds to pay Branton's tuition and called my old friend, and Steven's, Bill Mello, who was now living in London, Steven showed up to fetch the money for the 'London Adventure'......which would, of course, compel him to work even more arduous hours, installing irrigation systems for KES Misting......to get out from under constant financial strain.....So..no rest for the weary!........ On April 4, 2009, Steven died! Afterwards, the death spiral of my relationship with his widow and son led to a vortex of guilt and shame....a Black Hole, into which all my connections to Steven's wife, son and sister were sucked into oblivion........ Even now, in 2019.....there has been no resolution, as I am the only person who wants to resolve any of this anxiety......So....it persists, since alleviation and consolation take more than words on a condolence card or standing, sadly, in black, at a gravesite.....So often, the wake of a Storm is anger....that demolished what was left in the aftermath....The carpet of Life on skeleton underpinnings is bumpy with the underlying detritus of denial and rationalization.
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